Travel Tips

What a pity Kulula doesn’t fly internationally – we should support them if only for their humour – so typically South African.

A good mate of mine sent this to me as an email attachment and it was too good not to share with you guys. Sadly I have no way of knowing if these things are true or of crediting the original author, but they are too good not to share.
If any of you know who put this awesome little piece together, do let me know, enjoy.
grey What a pity Kulula doesnt fly internationally   we should support them if only for their humour   so typically South African.
“Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,”People, people, we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”
On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
On landing, the stewardess said,”Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.””There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.””Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”From a Kulula employee: “Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.”

“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

Heard on Kulula 2 55 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which  required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline”. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?’ “Why, no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with,”Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement:”We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Kulula Airways.”

Heard on a Kulula flight:”Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”

grey What a pity Kulula doesnt fly internationally   we should support them if only for their humour   so typically South African. grey What a pity Kulula doesnt fly internationally   we should support them if only for their humour   so typically South African. grey What a pity Kulula doesnt fly internationally   we should support them if only for their humour   so typically South African. grey What a pity Kulula doesnt fly internationally   we should support them if only for their humour   so typically South African.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why not check out my recently released book by clicking on the cover below:

grey What a pity Kulula doesnt fly internationally   we should support them if only for their humour   so typically South African.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Travel Blogger Calendar 2014 – Help elephants, win a $3300 holiday!

grey Travel Blogger Calendar 2014   Help elephants, win a $3300 holiday!


Before I speak about this year’s Travel Blogging Calendar I have three questions for you:
grey Travel Blogger Calendar 2014   Help elephants, win a $3300 holiday!
 - Who loves Elephants?
- Who would love to win an amazing holiday package worth $3300 while helping said cute old elephants?
- Who agrees that I should never, ever, participate in another calendar featuring my naked ass in a freezing lake?
Everyone?
Same here! Feedback on last year’s charity calendar was pretty much unanimous in that we should keep our clothes on, but do it again in some form or another.
Following months of intensive online brainstorming inside our safe bunker (Facebook group) away from the spotlight we have emerged with an amazing idea, a great charity to sponsor and a truly awesome prize to give away…we are like a bunch of determined, cyber phoenixes.

The Travel Blogging Calendar is back, bigger and better than ever. 

This year we are going digital while holding a raffle. Thanks to the awesome people at Flight Network and Ian Ord of Where Sidewalks End we have arranged a prize package including $2000 towards a flight to Thailand, and an 8 day, 7 night tour where you will get a chance to  explore Thailand and meet some elephants at the very sanctuary this initiative is helping.
Even if you miss out on the trip to Thailand, everyone who buys tickets will get exclusive weekly blog updates written by our team of professional blog experts (and me). Each post will highlight different cultural holidays or events taking place all over the globe.

Even if you don’t win, you win…win/win!

grey Travel Blogger Calendar 2014   Help elephants, win a $3300 holiday!The elephants also win as all monies raised will be handed directly to Save Elephant Foundation founder Lek so she can rescue more abused proboscines (I just won by learning a fancy new word!). Our intrepid Jeremy of Travel FREAK paid a visit to Lek on his way through Asia and learnt that this lady is genuinely passionate about these lumbering, loveable beasts.
I think we can all agree that elephants are magnificent; the way they are treated by captors in Thailand, however, is not. Elephants, as you know, are huge. To domesticate them such that they can be treated like livestock, poachers have to instill fear into them – otherwise the elephant would just stomp on the bad dudes and go about their business.
No doubt you are picturing an elephant in some shit-ridden cage being whipped mercilesly. Even the clean, healthy looking guy with bells around his neck (that you took a ride on last holiday) has been through a horrendous breaking process. This is why the incomparable Lek founded the Save Elephant Foundation in 1995. Lek buys elephants from captors (this is a tightrope as she cannot pay so much that people poach them purely to sell to him) and relocates them onto what is as close to their natural habitat as possible. Here they are allowed to roam free. As the website says, ‘there are no tricks. There are no rides.’ Just elephants doing what they naturally do and generally being wicked.  Currently Save Elephant Foundation are at capacity and urgently need funds to rescue more elephants. Read more here.
Now is the time to think about responsible tourism. Don’t just think about how your holiday affects you, think about how your holiday affects the people, places and animals you meet on the way.
“Enough banging on about social responsibility Ben; I will keep this in mind when I explore,” I hear you say. “You had me at ‘cute elephants’ … how can I donate to be in the running to win this awesome prize?”
Click on the link below:

Donate-to-fantastic-cause-and-win-awesome-prize 

Remember, the more you donate, the more entries you get in the holiday package.

 

Massive thanks to:

The guys at Flight Network who donated this brilliant prize. We expect this year will be huge, largely due to their generosity. Go over, say hi and tell ‘em I sent you! Say thanks for being awesome to Flight Network

Ian Ord of Where Sidewalks End; his startup tour company is both socially and environmentally sound. We need more like you mate!

Jeremy Foster of TravelFREAK; without your energy and commitment this initiative would not be as amazing as it is.

Adventure Dad

When you hear the word ‘dad’ you tend to think of the guy who spent your youth nagging you not to jump off this and to get your fingers out of that. As you get older your relationship with your dad evolves. You may even realise that you have an awesome -but sadly often overlooked – mate just waiting for you to ask him along on adventures…Enter adventure DAD.

Below is a quick video of my dad’s first paragliding flight at Stanwell Park with my good mate Mark Mitsos from Sydney Paragliding. Between dad and me, I don’t know who was more nervous as they took off. Mitsi even let dad have a steer, love ya dad and happy Father’s Day:

 

The key to happiness is when you have gotten really good at being you

grey The key to happiness is when you have gotten really good at being you
The Jade Willow Chinese restaurant in Ulverstone is abandoned apart from two beer bellied men gorging on fried rice and Boags Draught in a corner, not somewhere you would expect to find the key to happiness. They scoff and swill frantically like prison inmates at the bottom of the pecking order. Occasional sounds from outside waft in from the main street; cars with oversized mufflers rev over the sound of “Party Rock Anthem” played on expensive twelve volt stereos, rattling the aged boots (trucks in American). Young people yell extroverted greetings to each other to hide their shyness. I am home and I really do like it here, mostly.

I sit across from a mate who I have not seen for over two years. Sascha and I worked together in an Italian restaurant throughout our studies, using the term ‘study’ generously. Nowadays Sascha is a very successful business man and a deep thinker, he wears a neat shirt and looks well pressed, most impressively he wears a shroud of self confidence comfortably, I envy him this coat. I wear a crumpled bright orange top bought in Kathmandu for $2 (when I couldn’t be bothered washing clothes), my messy Hasselhoff-from-nightrider hair is somewhat contained by a bandana. Outside appearances suggest that Sascha has evolved significantly over the years whilst I’ve been regressing, soon to crawl back into the swamp. Impressively though Sascha seems very excited and somewhat awed by my recent adventuring.

“You really went into the Andes with a donkey?”

“Yup”

“I respect that mate, I could do a day walk but I like staying clean”

“Yeah well, horses for courses”

“And you did that paintball paragliding thing?”

“Yeah man I loved that, happy days”

About thirty-seconds of quiet contemplation follows, I busy myself with my spring rolls as Sascha studies me, a changed creature sits in front of him, one which he used to understand. Sascha dislikes not understanding things.

“So mate, with all this trekking, climbing, diving, jumping, bussing, flying and exploring you have done in these last two years, do you think it has changed you as a person? Or are you the same person and this is just something you like to do?”

“Well…that’s a hard one, let me think for a while”

Both of us eat crispy spring rolls in contemplative silence.

“Dunno, really”

“Go on, have you changed?”

“Well I am more relaxed, I can now sit on a rock for hours without squirming. Have always loved mountains, and…stuff, God that’s a hard one mate”

This conversation really gets me thinking, have I changed? Am I the same person? Later that night after I have put out the dog and crawled into bed with a book, (written by my best mates grandfather about his time as a prisoner of war, The Long Way Home, look it up) the answer hits me like a falling roof beam;

“OPTIONS”

Two years ago I was living with a girl and her daughter, I had numerous loans, internet bills, water bills, electricity bills, a car, obligations, nursing homes to medicate, work, responsibility, thing to buy and pay for. I did not give credit to the options I had in my life and did not admit that – at that stage – I was not ready for all this grown up behaviour. However, I envied how this life seemed to be working so well for my friends and blithely forged on. I thought that this was going to be the Ben-story, the end.

Now I have more options and less stuff, this is the main difference, I now realise just how many options are available to me. I could keep traveling, work a bit, write or live very cheaply in my tent on a grassy hill talking to mountains. So many people just numbly go through the motions, like I was, without sitting back and truly realising that they have options, this makes me sad.

Everyone has many, many options but only one crack at life, think about it.

Now kids, if that is all too philosophical for you on a school night I am going to throw in some weird sex facts to tone down the hugging-around-a-camp-fire kind of mood I have set here:

500 Americans die from self asphyxiation annually.

1 out of 17 people worldwide have sex on any given day, what are the other 16 up to?

A dork is the actual name of a whales penis, the biggest dorks in the world are the ten foot long members of the blue whale.

The dragonfly has a shovel shaped penis which scoops out the semen of previous suitors.

Australian echidnas have four headed penises but only ejaculate from two at a time, they save the other two for next time.

Female monkeys raise their asses into the air, complete with dilated blood vessels causing a flushed cheek effect, and waft female hormones around the place as a sign that they are ready to mate. The males stop throwing poo at each other and pause to note the plumpness of the bum cheeks. A plump bottom shows that the female is well fed and able to support an infant. If the girl-monkey is sufficiently plump they will mate, if not, the male goes back to his poo slinging. (Type 1 fun for the thrower, type 3 for the recipient)

Now, some monkeys started standing on two legs and ass raising was no longer viable. Evolution sorted this problem by increasing fatty deposits around the mammary glands to mimic a plump bum attached to a healthy specimen.

Basically what I am saying is that bum-men are less evolved than boob-men.

Oh, and girls think about what you are mimicking when you put rouge on your cheeks and perfume on your neck…

Bucket list wars

Waiting for our flight to Launceston, Tasmania my fiancee Jette asks me for some input into her Bucket list. Writing down a list has been brewing in the back of Jette’s mind for some time. I have posted what we came up with both as inspiration and as something of a warning to anyone considering help with this very personal document. We sit there passing the computer back and forth, throwing ideas around and eventually produce a complete train crash. We do get some very curious looks from waiting commuters as we cackle with laughter and pass the computer back and forth. (My input is in Italic)

Jette’s Bucket list

Climb a mountain higher than 4000 meters

Run 5km in less than 28 minutes

Bungy jump naked over a crocodile infested lagoon

Run 10km in less than 60 minutes

Learn to speak Spanish

Waterski and cross wake 4 times

Climb a proper snowy mountain (using ropes and crampons) with Ben

Have kids

Take them back for a refund 2 weeks later…

Take my kids to the Galapagos Islands

Drink margaritas on a beach in Mexico

Eat Lebanese food in Lebanon

Do a tandem paraglide with Ben as the pilot

Learn to paraglide, fly alongside Ben

Watch Ben dance around the Christmas tree singing Danish Christmas carols on Christmas Eve in Denmark with my entire (close) family

Develop a pathological love of bushwalking and hugging trees

Fly in a glider

Ensure my awesome fiancee never has to iron another shirt in his life

Buy fiancee wrinkle-proof work shirts!

Lecture at an Australian University

Buy Ben a new 15” Mac book

Speaking of 15 inches…

Buy Ben a new car

Remember to say thanks when presented with my new car from my fiancee

Remember not to complain when it is a clapped out VW beetle from 1964

It won’t matter when he just bought me a whole new wardrobe and a diamond necklace (which I can always sell…)

Not kill ex-fiancee when the pawn broker tells me the necklace is cut glass and the clothes are stolen from a charity bin

It all won’t matter when fiancee has finally got that six-pack (#43) When will that ever happen by the way!

Love fiancee unconditionally even if he becomes fat, bald and smelly

Move to Spain and fall in love with a hot Spanish man

Give fiancee all my money in the settlement

It won’t matter as Spain man will be rich as well….

Pffft – get on with your list woman!!

Do a road trip up to Queensland with Ben

Go skiing in New Zealand

To be continued

Buy this book!

The Red Rucksack - Available now

This business partnership has expired.” Ben has no idea what adventures are in store when he sets out to discover what lies over that next mountain.

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